You are reading this article because you are a strong,
independent, and good-hearted man. You have fire in your guts, and know how to
be your own man. Trouble is, you aren’t sure how to be a good husband. The
media talks tons and tons about being a partner, or having a partner. Not a
husband. The movies make relationships more about being happy with one another,
and being intimate, than about sacrificial love; about being a good husband. In
fact, you probably feel like there is a war on men like you. I’d say, you’re
right.
I am like you, and I think I can be helpful. I know how to
be a good husband. It was modeled well for both of my parents, and their parents
as well. The Bible teaches us how. I have been the recipient of living under
the tutelage of faithful, believing men; and I am now one myself. I have a
wife. We have been married for nine years now. I have five kids, from 12 weeks
old to 7 years old.
I started this family with my wife after my five years of
Army service. The Army took me as a college graduate, and pounded me into a
combat leader. Those skills were honed in further training, and an eventual
deployment to Iraq. I know what sacrifice is, and I know how to build a team. Admittedly,
I am only a shadow of my former self, but while my body has lost much of its
strength; my mental and spiritual set is much, much stronger than when I was
serving.
I’ll share with you two rules, but first you must know that a
husband is a leader of his marriage, and his family. This is, of course,
contrary to the dogma of the egalitarian politically correct messaging. Without
embracing your role as the leader, you will ultimately not find my advice
helpful. Now, I must insist that you understand what I mean by “leader.” For,
the same crowd that would disagree with the husband’s leadership, would also
disagree with what the very word means. To them, a leader is someone who can
force their will by strength of power, threat of punishment, or any other means,
onto their subordinates. This is categorically false, especially when one turns
to the Bible for answers.
The truest sense of leadership is defined by the God-man,
Jesus Christ. He told his disciples, in the Gospel of John, chapter 14, that a
leader is one who sets the example of service, and demands that all who follow
do the same. Jesus led by example of service, and had the final say in what the
group would, and would not do. He was neither ashamed, nor frustrated with
leading by example; he took the job of a low slave and washed feet. He warned
his disciples not to lead like the way the world does, by lording their
position over other people. He also has no problem telling Peter to get behind Him,
when Peter threated to take charge of the ministry’s direction. No position of
leadership needs this understanding more than that of husband.
Rule number one of being a good husband: the mirror
principle, “I am my problem.” If there is something you see in your wife that
annoys you, frustrates you, or is just plain wrong—you need to know that the
problem lies in you. You look first into the mirror, and take an honest
assessment of what is wrong there. I’ll do my best to illustrate the ‘how.’
In a military unit, or a place of business, the boss is the
one who is ultimately responsible for the successes and failures of their team.
Only a selfish, incompetent leader blames their failures on the team. Only an inept
leader believes the success of the team is because of them. A good leader hogs
all the blame, and shares all the glory. Furthermore, a leader understands that
there are two types of circumstantial inputs: those you can control, and those
you cannot. It is foolish to spend time and energy trying to shape events by
focusing on things that you cannot control. It is equally foolish to not use
time and resources where they can be effective.
A good husband knows that his wife is not a factor that he
can control. This may seem counterintuitive; because a couple naturally believes
that their spouse cares very much about them, and therefore they should be able
to have influence over their spouse. This is a fallacy. Certainly, spouses care
very much for each other. Certainly, a man should expect that his wishes, desires,
and plans, should influence his wife. But that man is a fool if he relies on this
as a means of manipulation. A man cannot control his wife. She is her own
person. A wife cannot control her husband. He is his own person. Each can only
hope to control themselves, their own actions, and their own thoughts and
feelings.
The mirror principle demands that a husband first becomes
his own master. Let me try and illustrate this with a concrete example. You feel
like your wife is not performing her tasks up to standard. This could be in any
area of life: work, chores, intimacy, respect, social functions, etc.. You feel
frustrated. You fight over the issue. Nothing is working. The mirror principle
states that your frustration isn’t properly directed. Rather than being
frustrated with her, you should focus your energy on doing what you are supposed to. You can’t make
someone else do better. You can only make yourself do better.
If you get to the place where you are doing everything, and
I mean everything, up to standard; then you can inquire of your wife: “Is there
any area in my life, by action or inaction, that I am not doing what I should
be?” See what she says. If she can point out anything, and it is true, then get
to work on performing up to standard.
This is the first rule of being a good husband.
The second is like it: the reciprocity rule. The reciprocity
rule states, “I lead by example, doing everything that I expect of my wife.” Reciprocity
is only ensured when your leadership by example is not dependent on your wife’s
reciprocation. This rule is so effective, and so true, that it applies to the smallest
and greatest of matters. Let me illustrate the point on a small matter.
You have been at work all day long. Your body is sore, and
you are tired. You come home, and really want your wife to give you a massage. Cliché,
perhaps. The only way for you to make that massage happen is to ask your wife
to sit down, and then start giving her a massage. Do a good job. See what happens.
Note here, that this rule demands that you don’t give the massage with an
expectation of one in return. So, you might find yourself massaging for a while,
with nothing in return. But, I can guarantee that if you do it well, for long
enough, that you are priming your wife to be attentive to your needs too. That’s
the reciprocity rule in effect. Human beings of all shapes and sizes, if they
are more than two years old, are wired to reciprocate the feelings and actions
that are done to them.
The surest way to find yourself disrespected, uncared for,
and used, is to be disrespectful, uncaring, and manipulative. The surest way to
foster a loving, caring marriage with your wife is to be loving and caring. In
fact, I think there is no other way to effectively lead. People of all types
know when we care about them, and they know when we are manipulating them. Only
true, self-sacrificial love can cause another person to care.
These two rules are the foundation to being a good husband.
One last note of instruction is in the very title itself. Husband. The word has
a definition. Perhaps look it up. The nearest alternate use is in the vocation
of caring for and raising animals: animal husbandry. If you are an animal
husbandman, you are an expert in understanding the needs, treatments, and helps
of the animals you care for. The burden is on the husbandman to know how to care
for the animals.
In the same way, you, as a husband, must know what is good
for your wife. It is on you to be studious of her wellbeing, and to lead by
example; providing those things. Men are designed to lead in such a way. You
have insight to your wife that nobody else on the planet does. Use that insight
to serve, protect, and cherish her. When you do this, you will be a good
husband; your wife will have the environment required to excel at her calling.
