Being a Good Husband

You are reading this article because you are a strong, independent, and good-hearted man. You have fire in your guts, and know how to be your own man. Trouble is, you aren’t sure how to be a good husband. The media talks tons and tons about being a partner, or having a partner. Not a husband. The movies make relationships more about being happy with one another, and being intimate, than about sacrificial love; about being a good husband. In fact, you probably feel like there is a war on men like you. I’d say, you’re right.

I am like you, and I think I can be helpful. I know how to be a good husband. It was modeled well for both of my parents, and their parents as well. The Bible teaches us how. I have been the recipient of living under the tutelage of faithful, believing men; and I am now one myself. I have a wife. We have been married for nine years now. I have five kids, from 12 weeks old to 7 years old.

I started this family with my wife after my five years of Army service. The Army took me as a college graduate, and pounded me into a combat leader. Those skills were honed in further training, and an eventual deployment to Iraq. I know what sacrifice is, and I know how to build a team. Admittedly, I am only a shadow of my former self, but while my body has lost much of its strength; my mental and spiritual set is much, much stronger than when I was serving.

I’ll share with you two rules, but first you must know that a husband is a leader of his marriage, and his family. This is, of course, contrary to the dogma of the egalitarian politically correct messaging. Without embracing your role as the leader, you will ultimately not find my advice helpful. Now, I must insist that you understand what I mean by “leader.” For, the same crowd that would disagree with the husband’s leadership, would also disagree with what the very word means. To them, a leader is someone who can force their will by strength of power, threat of punishment, or any other means, onto their subordinates. This is categorically false, especially when one turns to the Bible for answers.

The truest sense of leadership is defined by the God-man, Jesus Christ. He told his disciples, in the Gospel of John, chapter 14, that a leader is one who sets the example of service, and demands that all who follow do the same. Jesus led by example of service, and had the final say in what the group would, and would not do. He was neither ashamed, nor frustrated with leading by example; he took the job of a low slave and washed feet. He warned his disciples not to lead like the way the world does, by lording their position over other people. He also has no problem telling Peter to get behind Him, when Peter threated to take charge of the ministry’s direction. No position of leadership needs this understanding more than that of husband.

Rule number one of being a good husband: the mirror principle, “I am my problem.” If there is something you see in your wife that annoys you, frustrates you, or is just plain wrong—you need to know that the problem lies in you. You look first into the mirror, and take an honest assessment of what is wrong there. I’ll do my best to illustrate the ‘how.’

In a military unit, or a place of business, the boss is the one who is ultimately responsible for the successes and failures of their team. Only a selfish, incompetent leader blames their failures on the team. Only an inept leader believes the success of the team is because of them. A good leader hogs all the blame, and shares all the glory. Furthermore, a leader understands that there are two types of circumstantial inputs: those you can control, and those you cannot. It is foolish to spend time and energy trying to shape events by focusing on things that you cannot control. It is equally foolish to not use time and resources where they can be effective.

A good husband knows that his wife is not a factor that he can control. This may seem counterintuitive; because a couple naturally believes that their spouse cares very much about them, and therefore they should be able to have influence over their spouse. This is a fallacy. Certainly, spouses care very much for each other. Certainly, a man should expect that his wishes, desires, and plans, should influence his wife. But that man is a fool if he relies on this as a means of manipulation. A man cannot control his wife. She is her own person. A wife cannot control her husband. He is his own person. Each can only hope to control themselves, their own actions, and their own thoughts and feelings.

The mirror principle demands that a husband first becomes his own master. Let me try and illustrate this with a concrete example. You feel like your wife is not performing her tasks up to standard. This could be in any area of life: work, chores, intimacy, respect, social functions, etc.. You feel frustrated. You fight over the issue. Nothing is working. The mirror principle states that your frustration isn’t properly directed. Rather than being frustrated with her, you should focus your energy on doing what you are supposed to. You can’t make someone else do better. You can only make yourself do better.

If you get to the place where you are doing everything, and I mean everything, up to standard; then you can inquire of your wife: “Is there any area in my life, by action or inaction, that I am not doing what I should be?” See what she says. If she can point out anything, and it is true, then get to work on performing up to standard.

This is the first rule of being a good husband.

The second is like it: the reciprocity rule. The reciprocity rule states, “I lead by example, doing everything that I expect of my wife.” Reciprocity is only ensured when your leadership by example is not dependent on your wife’s reciprocation. This rule is so effective, and so true, that it applies to the smallest and greatest of matters. Let me illustrate the point on a small matter.

You have been at work all day long. Your body is sore, and you are tired. You come home, and really want your wife to give you a massage. Cliché, perhaps. The only way for you to make that massage happen is to ask your wife to sit down, and then start giving her a massage. Do a good job. See what happens. Note here, that this rule demands that you don’t give the massage with an expectation of one in return. So, you might find yourself massaging for a while, with nothing in return. But, I can guarantee that if you do it well, for long enough, that you are priming your wife to be attentive to your needs too. That’s the reciprocity rule in effect. Human beings of all shapes and sizes, if they are more than two years old, are wired to reciprocate the feelings and actions that are done to them.

The surest way to find yourself disrespected, uncared for, and used, is to be disrespectful, uncaring, and manipulative. The surest way to foster a loving, caring marriage with your wife is to be loving and caring. In fact, I think there is no other way to effectively lead. People of all types know when we care about them, and they know when we are manipulating them. Only true, self-sacrificial love can cause another person to care.

These two rules are the foundation to being a good husband. One last note of instruction is in the very title itself. Husband. The word has a definition. Perhaps look it up. The nearest alternate use is in the vocation of caring for and raising animals: animal husbandry. If you are an animal husbandman, you are an expert in understanding the needs, treatments, and helps of the animals you care for. The burden is on the husbandman to know how to care for the animals.

In the same way, you, as a husband, must know what is good for your wife. It is on you to be studious of her wellbeing, and to lead by example; providing those things. Men are designed to lead in such a way. You have insight to your wife that nobody else on the planet does. Use that insight to serve, protect, and cherish her. When you do this, you will be a good husband; your wife will have the environment required to excel at her calling.

Politics

The problem of partisan politics is the promises it makes. Modern politics (and perhaps most politics through world history) promises that the battle can be won. It tells the immature mind, “If you can only win this—this issue, this problem, this position—the world will be right again.” Me, I find myself laughing at such a claim. Perhaps it is because of my wide travel, and theological training. But many good people that I know get sucked into the political wheel of doom: more emotional investment, with more rage hangover. How someone, anyone really, can stay on this treadmill for more than one year, boggles my mind.

So let me help. I think Jesus has some profound words to be applied. 

Jesus, in His most famous sermon, taught in Matthew 7: “Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves. You will recognize them by their fruits. Are grapes gathered from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? So, every healthy tree bears good fruit, but the diseased tree bears bad fruit. A healthy tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a diseased tree bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Thus you will recognize them by their fruits.” 

Let’s take a look at the fruit of modern politics. The promise is clear, as I’ve already laid out. Each issue is the most sensational issue in memory. The opponent is the worst that has appeared in history. And everyone is cranking the anger output to maximum. I suppose it would be bad enough if election day turned off the treadmill. It doesn’t. Modern politics puts out a certain deathly and intoxicating fruit, because it is a deathly and intoxicating source. 

Political pundits, with any kind of longevity, seem to go down one of two roads. Either they turn into brainless partisan ranting, or they burn out. Check out two pundits trying to make sense of the “outrage machine” and their own involvement in it. 

https://youtu.be/SvR17Ta8nxM?t=531 

To this pastor, the evidence is clear: modern politics is the equivalent of a false prophet. It promises legacy, meaning, victory, and a future. It cannot deliver, but instead hooks you on outrage, and then demands more. Modern politics takes your attention, your emotional effort, your spiritual vitality. It seeks to replace your connection with God, with humanity; tearing away your participation in something, Someone, greater than yourself. 

Let me share with you some good news, in fact, the Good News. God, in all His glory and majesty, has made a way for us to be intimately with Him—now and forever. That way, indeed the Way, is a man named Jesus Christ: He died in our place to secure our present and eternal destiny. Those who believe in God’s salvation, this Way, are firmly placed in a relationship with God in which they can receive total fulfillment of body, heart, and soul. 

Politics promises what only God can give. Look closer. Politics is encoding law, or deciding how public dollars should be spent. That’s it. How could that possibly fill your soul? How could getting your own agenda, or that of your preferred party, passed into law possibly cause you to be satisfied with your life? Isn’t politics, on its very foundation, about deciding how society is to be governed? How could governing others give you what you need inside yourself? 

Truly, if you gain the whole world, you can still lose your soul. And modern politics is sucking the soul out of Americans. We should instead try to find our fulfillment in those personal and congregational pursuits which do give purpose to life, and do draw us closer to God and one another. 

Getting to the soul’s sanctification is simpler than you may think. The Lord promises in the Scripture that those who simply have faith that God is able, and willing, to save; they receive such salvation. This revolutionary truth means that anyone can stop putting their faith in American politics, and treat politics as the hobby, or side-show that it really is. We can devote ourselves to the better things in life, the more worthy pursuits. 

God bless you this election season.

The Value of University

My Grandpa, J.D. Palmer, in the 1950’s, left the family farm in central Washington State. He hitchhiked to Seattle Pacific College (now University), and began his collegiate journey. That journey would be the single proximate cause of the success of his entire life. It is where he met his beautiful, intelligent and loving wife, Eva. It is where he excelled in study; where he set himself apart as a 4.0 student. It is where he became sophisticated, participating in all the activities that transform a limited country boy into a well-rounded educated man: track and field (where he ran with world class Ben Mooring and Eugene Peterson), student government, church, and many studies. He made lifelong connections with people in his future field. In those days, a four year college degree was the basic building block for getting ahead in life.

In his day, J.D. Palmer could leave Seattle Pacific in the spring, and head back to the farm just outside of Yakima for the summer. There, he worked long hours in the creamery. He spent the weekends thinning fruit trees, picking produce, and other hard labor for local businesses. The money was terrible, but if he worked harder than most, and put in the long hours, he could just afford to pay for the upcoming school year in the fall. That was how he did it. Mid-year hard work was how he could afford to climb out of poverty by way of college.

Grandpa Palmer didn’t stop at a four year degree. He accepted a job in teaching just after graduating. He loved it, and he seemed to be made for the world of education. After gaining some experience teaching in elementary school, he decided to get his Masters Degree in the field. It could only help. More sacrifice, as his family grew. More time pouring over the books, and pursuing that degree. Getting it helped him to secure his first principalship. He climbed the institutional ladder through hard work and excellent leadership.

Finally, when his kids were old enough, my Grandpa went back to get his Doctorate. The highest level of higher education in our family, directly or in wider cousin circles. It was years, and much sacrifice at the University of Southern California. Earning that coveted diploma did a few things for the family. First, it allowed Grandpa to become a superintendent of schools, in Redlands California. Second, it made Grandpa a lifelong and devoted follower of Trojan football. Third, it set a bar of expectation for all to follow after him.

Our family milieu was firmly pro-education. It was the way Grandpa went from hayseed to Superintendent. Going to college was part of what it meant to be a Palmer; you go to church, love the Lord, love your family, be a pillar in the community, and find a way to go to college. An expectation for pursuing higher education was so important, he and my Grandmother saved money for their children and grandchildren to go to college.

My father, Bruce Palmer, followed his father’s footsteps in the late 1970’s. He moved away from home in California, and enrolled at the same place: Seattle Pacific College. While he was there, it became a university. He got his degree in Business. He met his wife there, and just like Grandpa, was married before graduating. Even in the early 80’s a college degree was a surefire way to get your foot in the door at corporate America, and it was how my dad made his leap into the middle class.

But, by then tuition was not something that a teenager could swing by working hard during the summers. My dad, along with everyone else, needed some help. Because my grandparents valued college so much, they had set money aside for him. But, even in those days, it was possible for a student with some planned help, to graduate from a four year university (even a private Christian school) without student debt. It was also in this era (about 1976) that congress made student debt especially difficult to erase with bankruptcy.

It was in the late 70’s that our nation began to allow financial institutions to loan bad debt to teenagers, at the cost of their futures. If one follows the logic: a four year degree makes a person far more valuable to an employer, and they will pay the graduate much more. Financial institutions are therefore making an investment that pays off for both the student, who will make more money in the long run, and the debt collector, who earns interest over the life of the loan.

My father took a job as a pharmaceutical salesman. He worked the Alaska territory for almost a decade, before settling down in Spokane, Washington, until his retirement a few years ago. When it came time for me to decide whether or not to go to college, both my father, and my grandfather strongly encouraged me to do it.

My decision to go was based solely on the strenuous advice of my grandpa, and my dad, who argued that it was the best first place to go. Get your education, and no matter what you do, you will find a valued use for it. I had almost joined the Marines. But, another mentor of mine said, “You’re young. The Marines aren’t going anywhere. Get your education while you have the time and energy, and you’ll have it out of the way. Plus, you can join the Marines as an officer if you do the college thing first.”

It seems that I was the first generation of Palmers to encounter the massive change in college costs. Put simply, college had become, and continues to be exponentially more expensive, and exponentially less valuable. In 2002, I boarded a Greyhound bus and made the trip from Spokane to Seattle. I too enrolled at Seattle Pacific University.

Paying for school was a nightmare. I had some scholarships, but not a lot. School cost about $25,000 a year. Like the Palmer men before me, I had worked hard, and was willing to commit my entire life savings (up to that point), representing countless hours working at Hollywood Video, Grocery Outlet, and Denny’s on weekends, holidays, and through the summer. It was about $2,500. I remember signing the check with a shaking hand at the registrar’s office. It wasn’t even enough for room and board for one school year, never mind the tuition, books and fees.

I focused on classes that I found fascinating, allowing my major to spring up organically. I had taken many classes in communication, and in theology. Finally, I declared my theology major, just in time to have all federal subsidies stripped away: it was a new ruling, citing separation of church and state, and any students wanting to pursue spiritual studies would have to find their own way to pay for college.

It was then that I faced a life changing decision. Do I take out lots of personal loans, with horrible rates and fees, and complete my education? Or, do I add a couple years to the experiment, take less classes, and try to lower the debt burden by working full time? I knew the loans were easy to sign for, but like iron shackles put around the neck. The debt was expensive, and repayment over many, many years is still the only way out.

Again, I found myself signing documents with a shaky hand in the registrar’s office. In the end, I graduated with $60,000 of debt. It was horrible debt. 10% origination fees, 8% interest (adjustable). It was a crushing way to start adult life. So, what is the value of a liberal arts degree in the modern world?

I, like most of my peers, did not meet and marry at college. It was more taboo, marriage was the kind of thing you would do when you settled down, when the future was a little more certain. We all thought ourselves too young for matrimony. Of all my friends, I only knew one guy who wound up marrying someone he met at college. Perhaps that is for the better, perhaps not; but finding a quality person who is motivated to succeed in life, and desirous of getting married, isn’t happening on the college campus. Again, what is the value of a liberal arts degree in the modern world?

I went back to Seattle a while ago, to meet up with my old college roommate. I asked him this very question. Perhaps my experience is a one-off, but neither he, nor I, knew of anyone that we went to college with who wound up in a field where their degree put them ahead. It didn’t get them a job, it didn’t get them a promotion, and it didn’t help. It hurt. All of my peers had to find a way to pay off the equivalent of a mortgage without the benefit of a house, without low rates, and without the ability to sell in an emergency. Some of them found work in the swelling Seattle IT market.

I graduated over a decade ago. My mentor was right, the military didn’t go anywhere. I went to an officer interview board for the United States Army before I took my last finals, and swore in just before graduating. Just after shipping off to Basic training that fall, I got a letter in the mail. That 8% interest rate had just been adjusted, to 12%. The Army did not offer loan repayment to my particular track; I wound up paying out of pocket for years and years. Most officers who go to college outside of the Academy go through ROTC, which foots the majority of the bill. For my entire time of service, while other officers were in fine living quarters and going out for meals, I was renting a trailer and eating sandwiches. I paid down the debt like a madman. I wanted out of the shackles.

Finally, I got deployed to Iraq, and it was there, without any overhead, or taxes, and plenty of extra pay, that I finally felled the giant. My debt was gone. Paid in full. I’m not sure of my peers, but I suspect most of them are still making payments, without the benefit of higher pay.

When it comes to the value of a university degree, simple economics has been ignored, I suspect because there is too much money to be made. The bubble has nearly run its course. Disaster looms.

I think the American landscape is changed. Universities and colleges have become more about social programming than individual preparation and mental sharpening. Perhaps with the exception of a specialized field, like medicine or computer programming, a 4 year degree does not qualify someone to step into corporate America and succeed. Reading today’s published cost of Seattle Pacific University, I see that a student should expect to spend $54,735 for a school year. That’s more than twice the cost when I was attending. Exponential growth of cost. This phenomenon is based on the poor lending practices, and over government regulation, that would cause an overvaluing in any market.

One cannot write about the value of a college degree without discussing the content of those degrees. The devaluation of a liberal arts education has more than one contributing factor. It must be more than supply and demand; too many people have a degree, thereby decreasing education value in the marketplace. The product itself has lost value.

When my grandpa was attending college, he was taught exceptional material from exceptional professors. The academic standards were high. And, if you could not hack the load, you left. Nowadays, with high volume of finances to be made off of students, universities have sacrificed their academic standards. Furthermore, academia has been the breeding ground of far-left ideals, and a student is far more likely to graduate with political ideologies drummed into them than employable skills. Employers are less likely to value the investment, unless they are in the political arena, and on the far-left. Liberal arts degrees are more about social, racial, socioeconomic, and political ideals than they are about competence and knowledgeability. Early adopters and sharp critical thinkers understand this, and are moving away from the college pathway to wealth and prosperity.

My own confidence in education has not been shaken in the least; only the value of expensive universities. This has led me to make some adjustments as my own son is now old enough to begin elementary schooling.

My decision has been to make an early investment in education. I’m opting to send my kids to a private school where the focus is more on learning basic knowledge and function in academic rigor. I believe that a leg up on learning is the more productive route. I’m sure universities are not going anywhere for the long term, but until the bubble bursts, I cannot advocate for my own children any path where student debt will be a part of the outcome.

Endings

The Lord blesses a people, with someone who just seems to know the right thing to do all the time. Occasionally, God is good enough to send us someone, and shape them, to be a kind of guiding light to the rest of us. We often take them for granted, walking in the illumination of their God-reflection. Until they are gone.

I was driving to work this morning, and cycled through the radio stations. One of my local stations was broadcasting the funeral of Billy Graham. I could hear the bagpipes playing, and the announcer spoke of the body being moved by procession. They were playing Amazing Grace. I imagined the group of people standing behind the casket as it moved to the final resting place. I took off my hat, there in my car. One of those mighty titans of truth being laid to rest, surely translated to walk in the land of the truly living.

We have lost something, O Lord. Don’t leave us in the darkness.

Just a few months ago, a mighty hero in my life was laid to rest as well. I had the pleasure of playing a couple of songs on my guitar at the funeral. Jim Eller was on of those titans of truth. He walked with humility, and always was there to pray for me, for my family, and remind us of how to follow God. He was half blind, and physically unsteady, there in the last few months. But, I couldn’t help but noticed that he was never more clear eyed, and spiritually solid. His greatest concern was for his wife, grown children, and growing grandchildren. He wanted them to follow in the way that he had been paving his whole life. When we did lay him to rest, I felt like there was a real hole in our community.

We lost something, O Lord. Don’t leave us in the darkness.

My own Grandpa, Jay Denton Palmer, was one of those too. We lost him about six years ago. I named my oldest boy after him. I’m so sorry that my kids will never know him like I did. I loved him as only a grandson can. I know that he believed in me, cherished to see me grow up. He was proud of me. In the way that a proud grandparent can, he respected me. And, I respected him. He ran track in college with some of the legends of the Pacific Northwest, like Ben Moring and Eugene Peterson. He was a Gideon, believing that the Bible was powerful enough to be set into a stranger’s hands and left to work. When he went to be with Jesus, I felt robbed. Even now, I wonder what he would say if he could see what we are up to now; and wonder what kind of wise words he would offer. He was a good man, and we are the poorer for having to let him go.

But, that is the way of things. I feel like there is a grainy color polaroid, of all those who I grew up with. Many of them were people to be in awe of. People to listen to. People to emulate. People to love and respect. They reflected God’s radiance, it seemed. And one by one, their faces are being rubbed out of the picture, never totally removed, but somehow eerily absent. Oh, how the people next to them in the picture grimace at the loss.

Sitting in a coffee shop, I ran into some old friends. Mrs. Murray had lost her husband to cancer a few years ago. Her friends, the Stiltzes, had lost a son to an IED. All three of them having coffee. I MEPS’d in with their son, so many years ago. I’ve memories of us running at the park, in the early morning Spokane hours, trying to get in shape for basic training. I came home. He didn’t. We hugged and caught up. Just before leaving, Mrs. Murray said to me that we are about to lose Marla. My heart caught in my throat.

Marla is one more of those titans of truth. She worked at the church I went to as a boy. She taught us to sing, and had the job of putting on the church musical productions. I don’t know for sure, but I think she loved it. She always came off that way. Marla never stopped being the kind of person you wanted to run into on a hard day. She just reflects that light in a way you can’t explain, but you know when you are in the presence of it.

What are we going to do? Lord, we’re losing so many of our pillars. Don’t leave us in the darkness. Sometimes it feels like our country has its hands around its own throat, and it is squeezing. Polarizing, punditry, anger, and entrenched shouting has become our way of life. Shooting people just to shoot them. Then, accusing and crying about how we were right all along. Squeezing. So much darkness.

Lord! Don’t You leave us alone! Raise up the Elijah and Elisha, the Samuel, the David, the Isaiah, the John, and the Jesus. Send us leaders who know the way, who know the truth, and who lead in the way of life.

The Importance of Prayer

What is prayer?

Simplest I can say; prayer is communicating with God. Prayer is the most ancient spiritual experience on record. I'm sure that statement holds up to scrutiny. Prayer is the intercultural, trans-chronologic, universal spiritual experience of every human. I don't think I have ever met a person who had never prayed.

Because of it's universal nature, prayer is the bedrock of human spiritual experience. By it, the ancients called for relief from plague, honored their gods (or God), and called forward rain. Though I am no sociologist, I have a dollar-to-doughnuts bet that every culture (which has been scientifically studied) has stories of prayer.

For the Judeo-Christian worldview; there is no deeper or more abiding connection with God than prayer. Prayer is the most personal of all the spiritual disciplines. And, I think by standards subjective and objective, we can know for certain that prayer; and God's response to it, has been the largest shaper of human history. More than the gun. More than democratic republics. More than antibiotics.

Prayer is the touching of the most inconsequential (like a dude with a theology blog) with the most Divine (the Great I AM) in the most intimate way (sharing thoughts without filter).

We Should Pray
I believe that prayer is the most important discipline a Christian can develop in their spiritual lives. The practice of regular communication with God is the only way a believer can be tapped into the heart of God. Prayer is the only way that God can hear what we have to say, and respond. This is why the Bible is full of commands to pray. For some reason, the Lord of the universe-- Creator and Sustainer of all that was, is, and will be-- chooses to work through the prayers of people.

Though it is mind-blowing, certainly we can all agree to the truth. The Truth. God commands His people to pray, so that He can be doing the things they pray about. Don't get ontologically twisted; there is much here that I am not saying. I am saying that through prayer, we learn what God wants us to pray about; and through prayer we express what now God has caused us to care about; and through prayer God assures us that He is listening, and that He will move. And, through prayer God does what He intends.

Crazy. What kinds of things are we missing out on by not communicating and communing with God? How much have we not been a part of that we could have been? How much more are we willing to lose out on? If every believer in the world began a serious season of prayer; even the unbelieving world would be in shock at the result. For prayer results in the will of God. What loving person would not want to have the complete will of God done here on earth, as it is in heaven?

I adjure you with this command: people of God, pray.

Numbering Our Days

“So teach us to number our days, that we may bring to You a heart of wisdom.” Psalm 90:12

The spirit of our day and age pretends that death does not exist. It shocks us. It’s so rude. We plaster pictures of the young, the immortal, all around us. Creams, lotions, pills, and syringes full of Botox promise beauty and youth forever. We pack our old and sick into warehouses and care facilities, out of sight, and out of mind. There is no place for the befallen. No quarter for the dying. No airtime for the most natural and sure human experience there is: breathing our last and passing away.

The Lord will sometimes bless us with sight of the end of our lives. Anyone who believed they were about to die, experienced something profound. Some never recover from it; unable to live when they realize they are going to die.

As a young man, I was confronted by this reality. I had graduated from college, and I had joined the Army. It was 2005. America was actively engaged in two theaters of war—Iraq and Afghanistan. After training, I was sent to a unit, and we geared up for deployment. And then, we went to Iraq.

I was fortunate enough to be in a Field Artillery unit, which had been tasked with controlling 100 square kilometers of battle space. It meant that as a young officer, I was leading a platoon on all kinds of missions outside the relative safety of the Forward Operating Base (FOB). We were out in the thick of it, engaging in combat operations.

There were more days than I can count, where I woke up, and I knew. I knew, in the pit of my gut, that my life would be required of me that day. I knew there was a jagged piece of steel with my name written on it, and it would be tearing through my body with explosive force. I knew, with absolute certainty, that my number was up, my life was over, and that day would be my last. I had lots of days like that.

It was hard to come to grips with. I lost lots of sleep. I immersed myself in prayer and petition. I wanted to live, but, I was ready to die. I had made peace with my Maker. I asked that God would help me to be brave, for my life to be worth the spending, and I dutifully carried out my orders without hiding behind my rank or position.

But, I did not die. Eventually, I came back home, and I got out of the Army. It was a hard transition. How do you leave that environment, and get back into frivolous life? There have been more men than should be, who came back with me, and could not make the transition. Some of my fellow veterans are killing themselves in this world we moved back to: this land where death is unthinkable, and meaning is hard to find.

Moses, that Biblical figure, is the voice of Psalm 90. He speaks this incredible line, “Teach us to number our days, that we may bring to You a heart of wisdom.” I’ve been pondering that line. There is a wealth of wisdom that comes from knowing, for certain, that our time on this Earth is not unlimited. We only have so many days to spend, and we don’t know when our lives will be over and done.

Since getting out of the Army, and making the transition back to this foreign home, I poured myself into doing God’s work. I joined the pastorate, and have dedicated my life to God’s cause: the Gospel. Now, I’m the one called when a person is in the hospital, or when a loved one has died. I have the honor, and the responsibility, to hold hands with the flock as they pass through the valley of the shadow of death. Those times are filled with holy silence and tears: reverence for the mystery of death and life.

I can say for certain, there are only two reactions to being reminded of our finite lives. On the one hand, people go crazy. They can’t handle the terrible reality. They don’t want it, they don’t like it, and it is out of their control. They react in anger, in fear, in hatred, or they react in unmitigated grief, sorrow, or self-destruction. The cancer, the car accident, or the gunshot; is a cold slap to the soul’s face. One will either get drunk with the numbering of days, or get sober.

This is the other way; the way of life. When seeing life is short, people can also be inspired to greatness. Not the greatness of achievement and promotion, but the greatness of love and thankfulness. All of a sudden, one will be filled with the wonder of human friendship, the goodness of those cherished relationships, and the importance of truth. The frivolity of pretended youth, of monetary wealth, social standing, and political propaganda become loathsome to the soul. Selflessness, joy and genuine cheer, and recalling wonderful memories become important. Most often, people who have numbered their days speak out all of the unspoken I-love-yous, and communicate how important people are to them. Their lives become a fountain of unmitigated love. Love without worry of social awkwardness.

Today is a good day. We are yet living. We still have today. We should number our days, and so be a people full of wisdom. Let us live today, looking for meaningful ways to be a true friend, and to communicate how much we cherish the people we love.

Creating Teams in War and Church

The most fundamental action in the creation of a team, is forging relationships. The success of a unit is dependent upon the level of trust between individuals on the team. Trust is not a quality one can simply command, or assign. Trust is built over time, through shared experience. The best teams have been forged through the crucible of participation. There are three basic types of experience that create trusting relationships in teams.

Familial Experience:

Familial experience are those interactions where individuals on a team are able to play, talk, and eat. A leader who desires to create a strong team, will create opportunities for individuals to have laid back contact with other members of the team. Do not mistake competition for fun. The goal of these times together is to know one another outside of the context of the mission of the team. If you are building a military team, take them to a go-kart place, go bowling, or a barbeque. Don’t study operational tactics, not for familial experiences. If you are building a church team, don’t take them to a conference on prayer techniques. Invite families to an all-paid weekend at a lake.

People are wired as social animals. Trust cannot be built without understanding the personal side of their peers. Nothing is more personal than eating together; so build experiences where people are meeting and eating, unhurried. Give them time to hear one another, tell stories about their past and present, and have fun. Nothing builds a team like having a running inside joke. A wise leader will insist on having members of their team having familial experiences.

Victory experience:

Victory experiences are those interactions where individuals on a team are rewarded for working together with winning. I’ll spend the least time here, because shared victory is the most obvious of the experiences. When a team is young, starting small is important. Get them lots of little victories to get momentum and confidence. A team should be built on family experience, and grown on victories.

Fighting through failures:

Leaders tend to fear allowing their team to suffer failure. This is a classic mistake. Logically, we believe that strength and confidence is the only kind of diet our teams should have. However, real life does not consist of a diet of victory only. Do not insulate your team from failure. A team is created through family experience, it is fed on victory; but it matures by handling defeat.

All military commanders know the truth; requiring your team to face giant obstacles that will end, repeatedly, in defeat will turn them into an efficient machine. Defeat is dangerous to a team, but, with proper leadership—it can be the hardening agent that turns a soft, muscly ball of potential into a tenacious, rock hard fighting machine.

How to negotiate the waters of defeat:

First, don’t get hung up on losing. It happens. You get knocked down. A leader must use their ability to inspire after a defeat. Emotions after a defeat are low. Really low. A leader must get in the emotional muck with the team, but not let it become their identity. A leader will use their emotions, their aura, their words, and their relationships to inspire their team to get back up and fight twice as hard.

Second, a leader will learn from the mistakes of a team. The whole team needs to learn, and it is the leader’s job to help the process. Simple questions like, “What can we learn from this?” or “What did we do wrong that we need to get right?” or “What mistakes did we make?” can go a long way in helping a team learn.

Last, a leader must demonstrate an iron will to getting back into the fight. Heading straight back into the fray is not a good plan. Rest is mandatory. Leaders must insist on down time after a defeat, and use that time to gear up for fighting again. It may seem a time of rest would go against the fighting spirit, but a leader who refuses to rest, or get the team to rest, will put a team’s efficiency into the toilet. Rest is essential.

But you come out of that rest like a hard shot. Hit the mission with fury. You’ll find your team is better than it was before, and ready to get back to work.